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A Dialogue with My 90-Year-Old Self

A Dialogue with My 90-Year-Old Self?

How a simple thought experiment can unlock clarity and confidence in times of change

Remember When You Learned to Walk?

You probably don’t remember it, but when you were a toddler learning to walk, you fell—often. You cried, got frustrated, and maybe even felt angry that it wasn’t working the way you wanted. Everyone else seemed to walk effortlessly, while you struggled just to stay upright.
And yet, here you are. You can walk, run, and perform all kinds of complex movements. What once seemed impossible is now second nature.
This transformation is something I sometimes reference when coaching clients facing difficult decisions.

The Coaching Challenge

Imagine a client who is 40 years old. They’re considering a major career move—seeking greater financial freedom while also craving more time for family, travel, or simply a better work-life balance.
This inner conflict can be paralyzing. It clouds thinking, drains energy, and leaves us stuck in fear of making the wrong choice.
That’s when I introduce an experiment.

The Thought Experiment: A View from the Mountain

I invite my client to imagine themselves at 90 years old, sitting peacefully on a mountaintop, looking down into a valley that represents their life. At the far end of the valley is their birth. Moving closer to where this 90-year-old sits, we see different life stages—from childhood through age 40 and beyond.
Sitting beside them on this imaginary mountain, I suggest we observe their journey so far. As a coach—not a therapist—I guide them to focus only on moments relevant to their current challenge.
This 90-year-old version is wise, proud, and content, observing their life with calm clarity.

From Toddler to Today

We begin by watching the toddler take their first steps—falling, getting up, and trying again. The 90-year-old smiles, knowing that child will eventually run. There’s no doubt or fear—just quiet confidence.
Then we shift our attention to the 40-year-old. Together, we observe this current life moment from a distance, while also looking ahead—to ages 45, 60, and beyond. From this elevated perspective, we begin a meaningful dialogue:
What would the 40-year-old like to have resolved by 41? What advice would the 90-year-old offer?

The Magic of Perspective

This is where transformation happens.
The 90-year-old shares their wisdom—spoken aloud as a message to the 40-year-old. Then, I ask my client to step back into their current self and receive that advice.
Just as the 90-year-old had complete faith in the toddler’s ability to walk, they also believe the 40-year-old will navigate today’s challenges successfully. That confidence often becomes the key to unlocking the next steps forward. The guidance from this future self typically reveals new perspectives and possibilities that weren’t visible before.

A Daily Practice for Clarity

I encourage clients to continue this dialogue daily for several weeks. Each day, they share what’s on their mind with their 90-year-old self—and then patiently await a response.
Sometimes, just knowing that your future self is listening is enough to find your way.

Coaching Is About Perspective and Possibility

Coaching isn’t about finding one perfect answer. It’s about widening your view, creating alternatives, and making choices based on awareness—not fear.
It’s our job as coaches to make a difference that makes the essential difference.

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Defending Boundaries

Defending Boundaries

In coaching sessions, we often encounter situations where the coachee describes feeling overrun by external dynamics. These situations happen, for instance, in meetings where they suddenly receive work that wouldn’t normally be their responsibility, but someone suggested they would be „the perfect person“ for the task. Or when colleagues enter their office and start talking without acknowledging what the coachee is currently doing. Sometimes people use the coachee merely as an audience. We all recognize these scenarios—they involve the crossing of personal boundaries and integrity.

Of course, it’s also possible that we cross others‘ boundaries as well.

Noticing When Boundaries Are Crossed

One of the interventions in the coaching process is first to observe when boundaries are crossed or under threat. Typically, we take a period of one or two weeks where the coachee simply observes situations that create discomfort during interactions with others. The coachee keeps a brief journal of these events.

By sharpening our awareness, we develop a clearer understanding of where our boundaries lie. Often, we have only a vague notion of our boundaries rather than a clear picture. The clearer the picture, the better we can recognize when boundaries are being crossed.

Some coachees find it helpful to imagine themselves in a „giant inflatable water ball“ in which they can stand and walk on water, where the skin of the balloon represents their imaginary boundary.

Developing Appropriate Responses

Once we have this clarity, we can begin working on appropriate defence mechanisms.

An effective defence starts with noticing boundary violations in real-time—not minutes or hours later.

I find it essential that we develop appropriate responses or reactions. We need to pay attention to the „gap to choose“—that moment between stimulus and response where our freedom lies. The number of options we can generate says something about our maturity and growth level.

Interestingly, the clearer our picture of our boundaries becomes, the more our attitude transforms so others can recognize our boundaries more easily. Simultaneously, when we can see our own boundaries more clearly, we can also better recognize the boundaries of others.

There is no one-size-fits-all response here. Different situations call for different approaches depending on the context, the relationship, and our personal values.

Coaching Is About Perspective and Possibility

Coaching isn’t about finding one perfect answer. It’s about widening your view, creating alternatives, and making choices based on awareness—not fear.
It’s our job as coaches to make a difference that makes the essential difference.

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What Should I Do Next?

What Should I Do Next?

As a coach, I am often asked, “What could I do next?” or “What job would suit me best?” These questions typically arise from the overwhelming number of options available, leading us to believe that we must meticulously analyse and evaluate each one before making the „right“ decision.

A common approach is to reflect on past experiences—identifying moments of fulfillment or energy in previous jobs or tasks. By analysing these moments, we attempt to craft an ideal future, believing that understanding past happiness can help us design the perfect career path. We then create a plan to achieve this goal.

Hidden Risks of Planning

We achieve our goal—then what? What happens when we reach the destination but still feel unfulfilled? (we have matured and different needs)
We don’t reach our goal—leading to frustration. The pressure to achieve a predefined „perfect“ job can leave us feeling stuck or disappointed.

Some of Life’s Best Moments Are Unplanned

Interestingly, many of the most fulfilling moments in life—meeting a life partner, discovering a passion, stumbling upon a new opportunity—happen unexpectedly. These experiences often arise not from deliberate planning but from being open to chance and recognising opportunities.
What if, instead of trying to control every outcome, we focused on recognising and creating opportunities?
Of course, structured goals like education and training are essential, but even those decisions are often shaped by chance encounters or unexpected influences.

How to Recognise Opportunities

To spot opportunities, we need to widen our view. In coaching, we do this for instance by:

  • Varying the “cruising altitude”: Zooming in and out on our life situation.
  • Identifying our biases: Seeing the filters that shape our thinking.
  • Working through limiting emotions: Fear, shame, and guilt can restrict our view.

We recognise more when we have words for what we experience. In coaching, we practise describing everyday situations from different angles—building vocabulary, awareness, and insight.

How to Create Opportunities

It might sound paradoxical, but we can create the conditions for opportunities to arise—by experimenting.
Trying new things—without rigid expectations—opens the door to discovery. In coaching, this often involves:

  • Reconnecting with resources you’ve forgotten or overlooked
  • Exploring blind spots and understanding your real motives
  • Recognising how much of your behaviour is driven by pain avoidance, not genuine desire

Many of the patterns that once protected us are now holding us back. Freeing ourselves from them unlocks energy for growth and change.

How to Decide: Let Your Values Lead

When opportunities do arise, how do you know if they’re right?

By knowing your values. Values help you spot what’s truly meaningful—and meaning is the core ingredient of lasting happiness.
In coaching, we also explore:

  • What is really keeping you from change?
  • What do I need for change?
  • What resources should I develop additionally?
  • What are the costs and gains of making a change?
  • How much of your current path is tied to your identity?

These are deep questions. And sometimes, the answer is accepting that no decision is perfect—and that’s okay.

Coaching Is About Perspective and Possibility

Coaching isn’t about finding one perfect answer. It’s about widening your view, creating alternatives, and making choices based on awareness—not fear.

Many of my clients come with a strong analytical mindset. But what often works best is an experimental and sometimes even playful approach.

After all—if thinking harder solved it, you’d probably already have the answer.

It’s our job to make a difference that make the essential difference.

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